interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
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My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
this is uni
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*