Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
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When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.