The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
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Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.