My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
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Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.