My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
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Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
You look like you would fail a DNA test
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Battery falling down a hole