sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
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Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.