Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
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on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”