I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
You Might Also Like
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊