Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
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Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.