I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
You Might Also Like
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy