the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
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*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
best first i’ve ever seen
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.