Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
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a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
August 8
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring