Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
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(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.