WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
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Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
awkward
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Growing out my freckles.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M