my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
You Might Also Like
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally