How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
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5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Real House Wines.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.