H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
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Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
it was love at first sight
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.