i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
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Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me