Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
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We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I see your IQ test came back negative
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm