*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
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In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔