Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
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7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
This is Sparta
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.