FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
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Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.