If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
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If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
SCARY COSTUME
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.