*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
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Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.