[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
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Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I am HOWLING at this
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.