I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
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[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Eat…
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.