i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
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Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.