photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
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Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Found the job I’m suited for
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”