My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
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I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
an airline just for babies.
Nothing.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here