Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
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Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
What an awful time to have common sense.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
i’m still crying at this
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.