*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
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My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or