We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
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*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
this is me
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Me too 😆
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.