[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
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ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
i’m still crying at this
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day