Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
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Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
There’s never enough good news
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot