My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
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Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.