Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
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Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.