I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
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My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Finally a use for spoilers…
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Only short people can save us
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL