I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
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Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
one last job
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said