Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
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“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Happy thanksgiving!
When you don’t understand how floors work
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
When libraries troll their patrons.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”