“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
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Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
when someone compliments me
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.