I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
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“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.