Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
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“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Cause of death: Zumba
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.