I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
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The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Velcrow
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*