Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
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if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.