Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
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ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Mad Max: Furry Road
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you