GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
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[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”