My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
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If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.