Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
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You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.