“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
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At Walmart during the holidays like..
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
calling in to work dehydrated
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks