Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
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Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.